**looks behind me**

Are you sure you’re talking to me?

I’ve been hearing a lot of those words lately from family, friends, blog readers, classmates, etc. I’m not going to lie, it’s extremely uncomfortable because I don’t see myself as motivational. I don’t see myself as brave. I don’t see myself as attractive or amazing or special in any way.

I see myself as someone who is just trying to survive, to deal with the shit cards that she has been dealt, to mend a very troubled past and to have a productive future. I see my life as one big hole and I’m at the bottom of it trying to climb out with dirt falling in all around me, trying to bury me alive.

Which brings me to a few questions that have been on my mind lately:

1. Will I ever be truly free from depression? Should I expect to have another debilitating spiral?

2. Will I ever get rid of this persistent and annoying low self-esteem? Have I ever believed in myself? And will I ever believe that I am an attractive, capable person?

I would love it if someone had the answers. And I don’t want to sound ungrateful to everyone that has been so supportive and encouraging. I just wish I could believe it.

Not Dating

And then there’s the whole idea of going out (not dating) with somebody you perceive as more attractive than yourself. I’ve done that and guys can so tell if you don’t rate yourself highly.

When I used to go out with Sophie, who was completely stunning in every aspect, I didn’t go anywhere near guys because why would I? They would be far more interested in her. But those nights turned out to be the best nights because she had a boyfriend, so the night would be spent dancing the night away and not caring about getting a guy. So do you sacrifice fun for searching for a guy?

Now, don’t get me wrong – I’m not complaining about being single. I’m just complaining about the fact that if I do decide I am ready for a relationship how the hell do you go about it? Obviously there isn’t a step by step guide on how to do it, that would make it boring, but the best way to find out is to get your experiences.